So, the iteam (not to be confused with the A-team, 'cause David and Mr. T bear such a close resemblance) was fasting this week from Tuesday to Thurday noon and praying together over the facilities process. I hate fasting. let's say that again, I HATE fasting! I love food: a good cheese, wine or ice cream flavor can fix most of the problems in my life. But, the experience (even though I was not perfect in my commitment) ended up being a profound experience and answer to my heart's cry.
I realized mid-way through wednesday, that my lack of energy prevented me from feeling hopeful. And my hope level was directly connected to my ability to RUN and attack problems, think creatively, in general my ability to gather up strength and create hope from what I could bring to the situation.
And when I did feel weak and then stopped to talk to God about it, He spoke quickly just like I need, but often can't discern because I'm running on all cylinders, and relying on me to be the Hope I need.
So, while I didn't feel like God said anything clearly to me about the direction of our facility search, what I did get was an invitation to be more grounded in hope from Him, which means regularly coming to the end of myself. I am an experiencial person - someone who learns the lessons of God by doing things, feeling the concept rather than just thinking about it. So, I think what I heard from this experience was that I need to fast regularly, as a regular way to come to the end of myself and listen for God's hope. Without the discipline I can fool myself into thinking that i'm relying on God but really, i'm relying on myself.
It begs the question to me about how much of our worship is affected by our own abilities to care for ourselves. Yes, we sing that "you are our only hope" or "all I need is you" but when all our needs and wants are generally taken care of because of our own ability, how can we really know that? Know in our souls, not just knowing in our heads? How much of our "feeling experience" of worship is asking others to create a feeling for us because we aren't creating it ourselves?
After the fast, we came together to pray and break fast by having communion together. I was amazed at how GOOD the bread and juice tasted. It seemed far better, far more satisfying than I would have expected. It really drew us into worship, tasting the goodness of Jesus' sacrifice and recognizing the way Jesus loved us, his path to joy was through the way of sacrificing himself. My experience of this showed me how much emptying myself has to be a part of my life in order to be able to celebrate God. If I don't have regular ways of coming to my end, either by fasting so I have less energy, or by interacting with people who are different than I am, or by denying myself a purchase that I want and can afford but don't need, or by spending time listening rather than watching tv, then how will I gain a deep appreciation of God's faithfulness, His mercy towards me, His grace because I can't do it myself.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5 Today, i felt the goodness of that, both from meekness and from hope that comes from God's promise.
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